Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
And the cops told us we were all naked.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
