i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
