I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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