Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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