Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
