she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
