If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
