I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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