I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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