you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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