i permit you to call me
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
