Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
