The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
