I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
