Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
