I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
