I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
