I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
