You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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