drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
