I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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