this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
