I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
