Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
