I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
