Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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