i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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