Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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