omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
