It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
