you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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