she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
