Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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