I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
