why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
