Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
