He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
