I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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