we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
