He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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