Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
