You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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