No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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