Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
