Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
