First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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