Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
