During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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