i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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