first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize