Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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