when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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