I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
