Cold hands, warm shart.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize