Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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