i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
