i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
