That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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