Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
