That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize