I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
birth control should be required to get into college
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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