Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
